Happy New Year

Well could fall asleep any minute, I'm so sick and so we stayed home and I'm calling an early night. 2014 was one of the hardest years, very worn out from our trials...but also so grateful for those who strengthened and supported us! Trav has a surgery next week to reverse his ostomy, we will hopefully have happy scans and hopefully stop chemo next year! We have learned so much and have been very blessed. Hopeful for an easier 2015, even if we are starting it out sick! Happy New Year!!

From Travis (Pain)

Someone asked me what the worst part of cancer is. I have to leave emotional pain out of it, it's too hard to measure that. They wondered if feeling sick was the worst. That's bad, it is. But if you want to know what has been the worst for me, I can tell you it's the physical pain involved. I think many people don't think about that. I know I never used to. But it's easily been the hardest on a temporal level. It hurts. It hurts a ton! And it's unique. It's a beast.

So many procedures...

2 years ago today Travis was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, for the 2nd time. It feels like its been so much longer, 4 surgeries, including two illeostomies, 6 weeks of carrying around a chemo bag, 6 months of intense awful chemo, 6 more months of maintenance chemo, radiation, many scares, many questions, few answers, him losing his ability to walk, ER visits, he lost 90 pounds, nueropathy, stroke, too many MRIs, colonoscopies, ct scans and other tests to count. Through it all we were so blessed to have the constant support of my family, a great ward, wonderful friends and the knowledge that this is all part of a greater plan. 5 months of remission...only 4 years and 7 months to go before we can say hes cancer free and hopefully only 3 more months of Chemo, hopefully only 1 more surgery and we know there will still be many more tests to go.

From Travis

Thank you to everyone who posted some pics yesterday with words of support. This hasn't been easy, but man I've sure had the best support I could ask for. From beards with bows, to orange-outs and jerseys, to a personal tweet from my favorite Bronco of all time, it made my day. And I really wanted to thank you for it. I won't lie, I shed some tearballs yesterday. It meant that much to me. Thank you.

From Travis - Comforting a friend with Cancer

Jessica this is EXACTLY how I've felt. So many times I've wanted to quit chemo. Ive wanted to just scream as loud as I could, curl into bed and bawl my head off, and run away. I've literally fantasized about just letting it beat me so I could get release and go to heaven and let it end. It is the loneliest I've ever felt, the sickest I've ever been, and for the love I'm still exhausted. I think I've given up hope for ever getting my energy back.

But all that being said, I want to win the fight. I put my head down and shoulder forward and take it one day at a time. I do it for my family, my wife, my kids, but most of all myself. I want life to be on my terms. Yes there are days I feel defeated and maybe the cancer or more accurately all the side effects from treatment, win a battle here and there. It sucks. There is no denying it. But I just tell myself to keep fighting. It's incredibly difficult.

I don't even understand how you feel completely. All our fights are different. I'm not an expert. The only one that knows how you feel and how hard it is, is you. Perhaps that's why its so easy to feel alone. And why it's so hard to stay positive and keep fighting. There are no guarantees fighting hard will get a win in the end. But I truly honestly believe it's worth trying to find out. Hang in there please Jessica. So many people love you and are praying for you. And we don't want to let something so rude and horrible to get a win against us. One day at a time, heck, one moment at a time. Hang in there please please please. No promise I will too. Let's do what we can to get some wins on the column. Heaven knows we need it.

 

Trav was given the coolest blanket ever!

From Travis

I already knew we had the best home teachers in the entire world. I had no doubt in my mind, it was obvious. But they're no longer my home teachers, and yesterday they still came over. They brought this. Yes it's a mini Denver Broncos helmet pretty cool by itself right? But then noticed the fact that it's also signed by Chris Harris, one of the best cornerbacks in the NFL. Literally top 10 on pro football focus.

 

From Travis

I look at this picture and a flood of emotion runs through me. Happiness, hope, sadness, fear, regret, satisfaction. All of it and then some. Things were turning "simple" for us when this picture was taken. The next two years provided nothing but progress and hope.

Then it happened. I still remember the exact words and the sound of the doctors voice is as vivid today as it was then "The test came back showing positive for cancer." 4 1/2 years have all but been consumed by disease, illness, depression, anxiety, and worst if all: hopelessness.

Today I fight each day to wake up and I have to make a very and all to real choice to have hope and be as happy as possible. Some of the damage done will never be reversed in this life. Some will with time. And some already has.

But I know I'll be okay. Even if things don't "work out" the way I want. I know God has a plan for me. And someday I'll be back in the arms of my Savior and I'll finally be able to say "I did it, I'm home, thank You, I could not have done it without you ."